How to Get the Flu and Not Die in NYC


With reports swirling that the flu vaccine was less effective than expected this year, there’s no better time to get the flu in NYC. You’re not gonna miss much since the sun no longer shines and the temperature rarely approaches 50 degrees, so why not enjoy a staycation with your cough syrup and humidifier? Here are the steps to take to get your flu on:

1. Get the flu. It shouldn’t be too hard to succumb to germs considering you have to touch no less than 26 surfaces in the single motion of swiping your Metrocard. Rest assured that every surface you are doomed to make contact with has been sneezed, coughed, licked, and vomited on by upwards of 5 people that have never had any vaccination shots. Fingers crossed for flu instead of polio; this is the melting pot you signed up for.

2. Call-In Sick. This is the tricky part, as most employers aren’t so sympathetic to those with weak immune systems. Don’t make the mistake of calling in one day and then going in the next because you feel bad. Chances are good you’ll be back at home on the 3rd day and that is a rookie mistake that makes you look sloppy. You want the most out of this flu? Stay the course and stay at home.

3. Take Meds. Judging by the newfound literal pain in your neck (or throat, more accurately) you’re pretty sure that this is some strain of the flu and not, in fact, cholera. Half the fun of having the flu is getting to use a delicious cocktail of syrups, capsules, drops, and salves. Lord knows you aren’t cool enough to drink actual “sizzurp” but you can use your cough syrup ‘scrip and Sprite to get your flu party started! Also, avoiding flu treatment is looked down on by almost all health professionals, so please consume some form of medicine.

4. Build and Review Your Netflix Queue. Aww yiss. Remember that $8 a month streaming-video service of which you’ve been too busy to partake? It’s time. Scroll through page upon page of the “Heartfelt Independent Movies” or “Dysfunctional Family Dramas” recommendation pages just to pass the time. Heads up: Rock-a-doodle is on Instant Play. You’re welcome.

5. Watch Your Tissue Pile Build. Even the Egyptians would find your toilet paper pyramids impressive. You can always clean (or not) when you’re well again.

6. Sleep Marathon. Take one of your 5-7 days to just sleep, drink fluids, take medicine, and go back to sleep. See how long you can spend in bed without doing so much as checking your cell phone.

7. Let Regret Fill You. Uh-oh. While your week was a blast, now’s the time to snap back to reality and consider how you can finish all the stuff that’s been on hold this week. Maybe you’ll have to invest an extra $30 to have your laundry done for you so you can work on those 5 projects you’ve been promising everyone.  Maybe you can just fake your death and keep living through these scenarios. I’m just riffing, but you’re going to have to find a solution, chief.

And that, my friends, is how you get the flu and not die in NYC.

I wrote a thing.