5 Possible Reasons the Mayan/Aztec Apocalypse Ain’t Happenin’


If you have the internet (which I’m assuming you do unless you have some mystical ability to read blogs within your mind…), you know that 12-21-12 is supposedly the last day of the Mayan/Aztec calendar, which (to some) must signify that it is the End of Days. Doomsday. The Apocalypse.

Personally, I think there are any number of reasons why the calendar ended. Perhaps:


1. The Mayans were on CP Time. If you don’t know what CP time is, check out this link and get back to me. Look, I’m just saying that being a little late is more acceptable in colorful cultures. Maybe in a week or in 10 years they’ll be right.


2. The Guy Making the Calendar Died/Quit/Got Promoted/Had an Existential Crisis about How His Culture Would Be Long Gone Before The End of the World And Realized it Wasn’t Worth Finishing… As interesting as calendar-writing is for a profession, it seems that just about anyone can do it. I’m not sure why we should believe that something didn’t happen with the guy making it. It’s not all that unbelievable that calendar-making wasn’t his dream, and one day he decided that enough was enough and he opened up a little yoga studio or decided to go learn how to snorkel. We can’t know for sure—but I have faith in the guy behind the calendar. I really do.


3. Nature Happened and The Calendar Disintegrated or Something. If the guy did die or leave his working post, the most recent calendar bits would be on the top of his pile (okay, he doesn’t have paper, right? so like, this was just on a wall?…indulge me) blew away or got washed away or something. Doesn’t mean the world’s gonna end.


4.The Dudes Who Discovered the Calendar Took the Rest of it Home as a Souvenir. It’s a pretty douchey hoax that’s gone on too long if this is the case. Just ease the minds of all the crazies and tell them you’ve got it stashed next to Jimmy Hoffa’s remains.


5. Calendar-Maker McGee Knew a Catchy Pop Song about The End of the World Would Materialize and Could Not Pass Up That Opportunity. If this guy knew the world was gonna end, then he knew there was a chance Britney Spears would come out with a song a year prior that would be the jam to end all jams. Just ask yourself if maybe you’d make up the end of the world to hear something this rad.



It’s okay, Britney, no one ever taught me how to smile either.

The 5 Stages of Gangnam Style


1. ASTONISHMENT Wow! What the heck is this?!?! More than likely, your first run in with Psy and his gang of hot girls, cute dance-y kids, and underwhelmed horses was via YouTube. Someone (or several million someones) posted it on their Facebook timelines and you decided to give it a go. Though you don’t know what the hell he’s saying or even why there’s a shot of him on a toilet seat, you do know that this is catchy and adorable, and you have to give it a whirl.

2. OVERWHELM. Huh…Everyone is into this now? It’s like Napoleon Dynamite all over again! From Ellen Degeneres and Britney Spears to The Cast of SNL to the Today Show to Daily Grace, everyone is doing that effing dance now. You can’t get away from it. What started as a viral video is now taking over the radio and tv airwaves, and you are starting to regret purchasing it on iTunes and subsequently adding it to all of your playslists, lest it come up on shuffle. You know it’s gotten too big when people are getting it tattooed on their bodies and soccer moms can sing the Korean bits in addition to the chorus.

3.DENIAL. I never liked this. I had a momentary lapse in judgement and was drunk and didn’t know it would be this way. But that’s not true, is it Jimmy? No, you loved Gangnam Style, but it is so mainstream that hipsters won’t even recognize it as music. You can pretend you were against it from the beginning, but we all know you galloped on an imaginary pony in your bathroom mirror more than once…

4. HEYYYY SEXY LADYYYY! - A REPRISAL. Enough time has now passed that it is acceptable to like this song again. You reluctantly accept that this song is here to stay and that people are going to bring it up in conversation. You even watch some of the hilarious parodies online because it is no longer grating on your nerves.

5. TRANSCENDENCE.  Gangnam Style came to us like manna from heaven, and while it was filling for a while, it is no longer needed. Much like the Spice Girls’ short visit to earth from their own Spice World, a short stay was all we needed to learn the lessons we needed to learn. I’m not entirely sure what those lessons were, mostly because I don’t speak any language fluently aside from English, but that’s neither here nor there. We are all aiming for this stage. To wave goodbye to Psy and his prancing horse dance, and to await the next overnight musical phenomenon.

Seriously. I want that friggin stomach in 2012. I’m so going for it. My stomach is like, so cramped up from attempting 300 crunches yesterday, but I’m not giving up hope.

In less shallow news, I also decided to take up French again. Rosetta Stone bitches.

Hey, I made a youtube video about songs that sound like other songs. I can’t hit high notes, and Shakira likes tormenting me, but you know what, whatever. Do you know any songs that sound like other songs?

This is my “I have a job phone interview for the biggest job of my life at 2 p.m.” jam. Yes, I’m dancing around my room getting my mojo working. Heck yeah.