As I stood in my dimly-lit kitchen this morning pouring a bowl of cereal—Frosted Mini Wheats and Raisin Bran (cereal mixologist, coining the term)—I couldn’t help but notice that to have only 1 cup of cereal would be an unreasonable request when even the mini-est of wheats command too much space and volume. Like maybe 6 mini wheats fit in a cup, are they nuts? Why even do serving sizes exist?!
This is a rhetorical question as obviously serving sizes were created by male scientists who have no concept of the energy needed to combat environmental and emotional factors.* If they understood these factors, we would no longer have serving sizes, and scientists might run the risk of looking bad because some humans are like bunnies and will eat themselves to death if there isn’t a numerical explanation to deter them from doing so.**
Any reasonable person knows that the serving size for tortilla chips, chocolate bars, and Cinnamon Toast Crunch is “until you hate yourself,” but what about the outside factors that affect the actual serving sizes?
- Perhaps all of the clean moderate-to-small-sized dishes are dirty or inaccessible and all that’s left are those behemoth Thanksgiving plates at the bottom of the dish pile. How dumb are you gonna look if you don’t pile more food on to compensate for the additional land area?
- You put salsa in a bowl because the jar it comes in is too small for dipping, and now you have too much salsa for the chips you planned to eat and putting it back in the jar is essentially double-dipping to a terroristic degree.
- All those breakfast bars you bought at that great sale that one time are about to expire and if being from the South taught you anything it’s that letting food expire is a character flaw.
- Maybe you’re a huge Scandal fan, and Olivia Pope and Fitzgerald Grant are screaming back and forth about how much they love each other even though it is inconvenient and unfair to the 1st lady and you need to finish that pint of ice cream for it all to make sense.
- Maybe one of your friends doesn’t watch Scandal so you can’t recap it with them and now you have to talk to some spaghetti about it.
- Maybe Scandal is going on one of those mid-season hiatuses and now you’ll have to watch something else at 10pm on Thursdays.
*It is possible that the environmental factors could be avoided by transitioning into adulthood and buying more dishes/washing the ones you already have. And it is also possible that maybe watching a less thrilling, evocative series on TV could remedy your desire for bad foods. Anything is possible.
**Math deters most people from proceeding further in most areas of life. Use it for manipulation.
I hate working out
It’s winter, it’s too cold I’ll
Maybe just stay fat
Like everyone who ate last year, one of my numerous resolutions was to work out even more. Like 5 days a week more. Like actually stretching sometimes too, more. Like I found this great YouTube channel called “Blogilates” and now we’re in a relationship, more. But if we’re all being honest with ourselves (read: it’s not just me, right?) there are just as many cons as there are pros to working out. I will always suggest working out over not working out, but let’s be real:
- So much for your good hair day. I have a giant curly mane and working out gets the best of it every time. After restraining my hair in a too-tight head band and scrunchy, I’m not sure why I expect my hair too look like anything presentable. Let’s not even get into the whole sweating in my hair thing. And oh yeah! Working out at the gym means a commute that zaps all the re-primping time you could allot yourself. Angst.
- You have to create better playlists more often because you can only sweat to new songs for so long before you revert back to Britney Spears and Cher jams.
- People can see you.
- Maybe your body is secretly old and you hurt your knee during squats and have to use old people aspercreme on your old people knees.
- Apparently there are
more acceptableother workout clothes besides oversized ratty Wal-Mart tshirts from the 90s.
- You will lose something on the elliptical. I’m not sure how, but I lost a chapstick there yesterday. You have to carry a bottle of water, an iPod, a towel, the complimentary token for the massage chair, your chapstick, and your dignity from machine to machine. There will be losses.
But as expected, the Pros outweigh the cons.
- You get really unfairly hot and you live in NYC so that means your life will be markedly better. Hotness equals money. I’m willing to bet my pants that most of the “successful” people here work out on the reg.
- You’re in a better mood because you accomplished something important. Sure, getting out of bed is an accomplishment, and washing behind your ears is important, but come on. This takes dedication.
- You stick to your diet more because you don’t want to blow all your hard gym-work. That extra-large piece of pizza really never seems worth the full hour you’d have to put in to burn it off.
- You sleep better because you’re exhausted.
- Your bathroom duties are more regulated. I’m not exactly Jamie Lee Curtis, but I care about your regularity.
- You live longer or some crap.
I highly recommend working out. I’m not a doctor, and it’s not like some fun thing to do, but it is effective. It’s like the only thing that makes you smarter, happier, and hotter.
I wanted to call this 13 “blogolutions” or “vlogolutions” for 2013, but that just felt really dumb and so now you’re just getting regular old resolutions. Deal with it, it’s the last slight I’m dealing you in 2012.
1. Post more pictures.…of myself, my apartment, New York, Cincinnati, and everything in between. I made this blog solely with the intention of pushing myself to create and I intend to do a lot more in 2013.
2. Get in shape. I got a headstart on all those “resolutioners” that will be clouding up the gym in the next 2 weeks, but I am pledging to actually stick with it. I bought a yoga mat and everything.
3. Dress. Cooler. I don’t mean be all materialistic, but it’s about time I stopped looking like an explosion at the mall. I have really good taste when I actually take the time, and I miss being that in tune with my personal style. Maybe this blog will even be a little more fashiony…
4. Finish Improv and start Sketch at UCB. I had the biggest blast during Improv 101 this past fall, and I know that it’s what I need to be more successful in the long-run.
5. Post consistent videos and blogs. I have this
awfultypical blogger habit of disappearing for like a week and then just showing back up like I’m a treasured show on NBC. You all deserve better, and I’m going to commit this time.
6. Travel. I haven’t left the country in almost 4 years, and I haven’t done enough continental travel. I will change that. I have some plans to see some friends around the world this year.
7. Learn how to eat. I am not an invalid. I know how to eat. What I mean is learn how the right way. I don’t really know how to cook that many things, and I either go long periods forgetting to eat, or just eat based on whatever chocolate craving I’m having. No more. Me and this body need to get all sympatico.
8. Read even more. In 2012 I vowed to read more, and I have. Sure, doing Tipsy Book Reviews incentivized reading, but I actually really like reading. All that time spent on the subway and in cabs doesn’t have to be spent worrying about what that smell is. I can actually just get lost in stories (but not so lost in stories that I get robbed).
9. Create a web-series. It’s in the works. I just need to work out details like equipment, shooting schedules, and casting. I have a good feeling about it.
10. Make my bed. I always envied those people that would give up an extra 6 minutes a morning to make their bed. I plan on doing that gym thing before work, so maybe it won’t be so hard to do it if I commit to…
11. Go to bed earlier. I’m at this lucky stage in life where my only commitments are my living situation and my job. That’s a great place to be. I need to stop convincing myself that anything good happens after 11pm on Wednesdays and work on actually getting enough sleep.
12. Pay down my debts. Student loans? Yeah, they’re a bitch. This year I’m committing to actually getting rid of a few of them. I want good credit. I want all those adulty things that go with good credit. It’s time to get it done.
13. Meet loads more interesting, amazing, wonderful, complicated human beings. (yes, that photo is Shannon from CoffeyChat) New York is huge. ENORMOUS. I think it’s harder to meet people because of it. I’m going to do it though, I’m going to meet more people who are doing what I want to be doing, and I’m going to learn everything I can from them and hopefully give them some love in return.
Happy New Year. Big Kiss.
I can’t procrastinate this workout any longer. Just know that I was procrastinating because I don’t want to do it.
Can I make this into a legitimate diet and make a book about it and become rich for losing weight on account of all my food getting consumed, or is that too ambitious?