Nobody warned me about conversation in my 20s

I’m so sick of hearing about what diets you’re on, what food group you’ve eliminated, how bad you feel about eating a bagel, how good you feel after soulcycle. I don’t care. You’re boring. 

YOU ARE SO SO SO SO SO BORING. 

I’m so happy you’re healthy and that your brain is consumed 99% of the time with what you or someone else is eating but seriously I don’t care to hear about it anymore. I’m so bored I could scream.

The moment I started eating processed-ass food all the time I started losing weight. The world is a scam. 

Adulty Things: Morning Alarms and Waking Up

soashulmedia:

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I am not a morning person. As you can see by my alarm titles, I have luke-warm messages of encouragement or vague threats to entice myself to get up. I just can’t do it!  If I have to be anywhere before noon and I am not getting picked up by a car or cab, suffice it to say I’ll probably be late. 

I guess I always assumed that hating mornings would change as I got older. In elementary school, waking up was hard because it was still dark outside when the alarm went off. I remember for about a solid month, my sister Lanie would throw our pet rabbit on top of me and it would claw me awake because otherwise I’d hold up the whole house. 

High School was the same issue // the internet and texting were a thing so I couldn’t get to bed at an early enough time not to be a zombie. Luckily for me, my school gave up our dress code pretty quickly after I started there, so “sweatpants, chillin with no makeup on” was my go to look.

College empowered me to schedule classes in the afternoon and only on two days a week. Let’s be real: I slept more in those 5 years than I did in my entire formative years as a baby. I would have a class at 11, nap through lunch, class at 1:30 and then 3, and then nap til 7. I actually avoided the freshman 15 solely by sleeping through most designated meal times at food service.

Which brings me to now—-oh terrible adulty now. I want desperately to wake up with a spring in my step. I have a friend who wakes up and immediately starts writing, and drawing, and planning, and generally being too good at adulthood. I hit snooze for roughly 1.5 hours before I emerge from my blankets and wander to the bathroom at a snail’s pace. I sit on the toilet for an extra 25 minutes after I’ve done my duties, just lamenting the bright overhead lighting and the germs I will encounter on the train at any minute. Maybe getting a more annoying alarm would wake me up, but I can’t be certain, and “Africa” by Toto is relaxing enough that I don’t punch the closest noun available when it interrupts my dreams. 

Are there any suggestions you might have to make getting up easier for me? Do you have any skill sets you thought you would have gained as an adult that just never seemed to materialize? Lemme know.

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I kind of want to be one of those girls who’s like all about health and eating vegetables and wearing spandex and packing a gym bag and using her gym membership but the very thought is like a high-intensity workout that overwhelms me.

Question: Are you a “fitblr” in NYC? I have an opportunity for some of you to partner with a physical therapy office on social media to have fun health chats and to do giveaways and such. Let me know and I’ll send you info!

The Pros and Cons of Working Out

soashulmedia:

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Like everyone who ate last year, one of my numerous resolutions was to work out even more. Like 5 days a week more. Like actually stretching sometimes too, more. Like I found this great YouTube channel called “Blogilates” and now we’re in a relationship, more. But if we’re all being honest with ourselves (read: it’s not just me, right?) there are just as many cons as there are pros to working out. I will always suggest working out over not working out, but let’s be real:

CONS:

  • So much for your good hair day. I have a giant curly mane and working out gets the best of it every time. After restraining my hair in a too-tight head band and scrunchy, I’m not sure why I expect my hair too look like anything presentable. Let’s not even get into the whole sweating in my hair thing. And oh yeah! Working out at the gym means a commute that zaps all the re-primping time you could allot yourself. Angst.
  • You have to create better playlists more often because you can only sweat to new songs for so long before you revert back to Britney Spears and Cher jams. 
  • People can see you
  • Maybe your body is secretly old and you hurt your knee during squats and have to use old people aspercreme on your old people knees.
  • Apparently there are more acceptable other workout clothes besides oversized ratty Wal-Mart tshirts from the 90s.
  • You will lose something on the elliptical. I’m not sure how, but I lost a chapstick there yesterday. You have to carry a bottle of water, an iPod, a towel, the complimentary token for the massage chair, your chapstick, and your dignity from machine to machine. There will be losses.

But as expected, the Pros outweigh the cons.

PROS:

  • You get really unfairly hot and you live in NYC so that means your life will be markedly better. Hotness equals money. I’m willing to bet my pants that most of the “successful” people here work out on the reg.
  • You’re in a better mood because you accomplished something important. Sure, getting out of bed is an accomplishment, and washing behind your ears is important, but come on. This takes dedication.
  • You stick to your diet more because you don’t want to blow all your hard gym-work. That extra-large piece of pizza really never seems worth the full hour you’d have to put in to burn it off.
  • You sleep better because you’re exhausted. 
  • Your bathroom duties are more regulated. I’m not exactly Jamie Lee Curtis, but I care about your regularity.
  • You live longer or some crap.

I highly recommend working out. I’m not a doctor, and it’s not like some fun thing to do, but it is effective. It’s like the only thing that makes you smarter, happier, and hotter. 
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Y’all

I made tuna salad tonight because I’m trying to eat less carbage and stuff.

I USED THAT GREEK YOGURT.

and it was legit, and like low calorie. Awwwww schnap!

re: my health. blurgh.

Just got a call from my doctor to stop taking my effing skin medication because "oh hey, it can cause heart palpitations, high blood pressure, weight fluctuation, liver issues resulting in cholesterol probl-oh, oh. ha. you have all of those."

So now I need to figure out how to keep my skin from reverting to the teen years while recovering from all the crap that came with the medicine. ugh.

High cholesterol means

I’m supposed to drink some red wine every night.

Aww hell yeah!

blood test results:

your liver is stupid and you have high cholesterol which must be hereditary but also high blood pressure and did we mention we think you should probably just keel over or come in for a pap smear don’t you just love pap smears bye.