Showing posts tagged satire
Here are some fun, easy ways for men to celebrate:
- Ask your boss to only pay you 2/3rds of your regular salary.
- Shave off all your body hair.
- Eat yogurt and salad while laughing today.
- To mimic period cramps, try stabbing yourself repeatedly in the lower abdomen before work. Sit at your desk all day without mentioning it.
- Instagram your nails.
- Buy a 5th grade math book and get all the answers wrong.
- Send yourself flowers.
- Try growing a small human inside your body today.
- Don’t be funny today.
- Buy a binder. Fill it with women.
- Buy other office supplies, like a printer, manila folders or post it notes. Fill them with women.
- Eat a lot of chocolate and then laugh with your friends about how you should really be watching your weight.
- Watch your weight.
- Pee on a stick and then wait anxious to see if you’re pregnant. Call an old man to ask for advice about what to do.
- Cheat on your wife, get stoned to death.
- Try parallel parking, crash into a tree.
It’s happening again. Another pop star is taking more than his fair share of jobs in this down economy by adding “Creative Director” to his resume. Just last week, Justin Timberlake was named Creative Director of Bud Light, news coming on the heels of Alicia Keys earning the same title at Blackberry.
I know that in reality, this means very little. It’s just a title. There’s no way anyone at Blackberry expects the Empire State of Mind singer to head up tech-heavy board meetings and strategy sessions. You probably shouldn’t even expect her to do anything as damning as mass-firings in the wake of someone calling out her screechy, less-than-par rendition of The Star Spangled Banner a few weekends ago—but you absolutely can expect more rookie mistakes like that time she tweeted from her iPhone, Blackberry’s biggest competitor.
And I’m not just hating on Alicia, or Justin, or Will. I. Am. (Intel), or Lady Gaga (Polaroid). I’m fully shaming the PR departments that think giving a guy who can’t even run a half-ass tequila company this job is beneficial to their consumers or brand.
Let’s take, for example, the most recent transgression: Naming 1/5th of N*Sync as an executive at Bud Light. More than likely, Bud Light will not see a monumental increase in sales based on this decision considering their target demographic is frat guys. But why JT?** The only person who benefits from this announcement is Justin Timberlake who likely made a big chunk of change for accepting a job title; A role that is legitimate and that people are getting paid a lot less to actually perform.
What kind of world do we live in where there are intelligent, qualified people who can’t get basic jobs. Okay, maybe being Creative Director of one of the world’s largest companies isn’t basic, but come on, this guy had ramen noodle hair. His hair looked like something you can buy at the grocery store with pocket change, can his ideas really be that good?
Publicity stunts are grand, but only when they have an effect greater than an eye-roll.
Perhaps to gain brand-loyalty, Bud Light could create jobs that stimulate the economy, and inspire consumers to drink beer out of celebration rather than misery. Maybe to increase brand awareness, Polaroid could innovate something for the first time in like 30 years rather than giving Lady Gaga another thing to pin to her crowded, tacky outfits. Big brands have a responsibility to their consumers to market from a constructive place. It’s about time they got back to that.
**I get that he’s like Pixar in that everyone loves him, but come on, they missed the mark here.
-I contributed a thing to FelixExi.com
If you have the internet (which I’m assuming you do unless you have some mystical ability to read blogs within your mind…), you know that 12-21-12 is supposedly the last day of the Mayan/Aztec calendar, which (to some) must signify that it is the End of Days. Doomsday. The Apocalypse.
Personally, I think there are any number of reasons why the calendar ended. Perhaps:
1. The Mayans were on CP Time. If you don’t know what CP time is, check out this link and get back to me. Look, I’m just saying that being a little late is more acceptable in colorful cultures. Maybe in a week or in 10 years they’ll be right.
2. The Guy Making the Calendar Died/Quit/Got Promoted/Had an Existential Crisis about How His Culture Would Be Long Gone Before The End of the World And Realized it Wasn’t Worth Finishing… As interesting as calendar-writing is for a profession, it seems that just about anyone can do it. I’m not sure why we should believe that something didn’t happen with the guy making it. It’s not all that unbelievable that calendar-making wasn’t his dream, and one day he decided that enough was enough and he opened up a little yoga studio or decided to go learn how to snorkel. We can’t know for sure—but I have faith in the guy behind the calendar. I really do.
3. Nature Happened and The Calendar Disintegrated or Something. If the guy did die or leave his working post, the most recent calendar bits would be on the top of his pile (okay, he doesn’t have paper, right? so like, this was just on a wall?…indulge me) blew away or got washed away or something. Doesn’t mean the world’s gonna end.
4.The Dudes Who Discovered the Calendar Took the Rest of it Home as a Souvenir. It’s a pretty douchey hoax that’s gone on too long if this is the case. Just ease the minds of all the crazies and tell them you’ve got it stashed next to Jimmy Hoffa’s remains.
5. Calendar-Maker McGee Knew a Catchy Pop Song about The End of the World Would Materialize and Could Not Pass Up That Opportunity. If this guy knew the world was gonna end, then he knew there was a chance Britney Spears would come out with a song a year prior that would be the jam to end all jams. Just ask yourself if maybe you’d make up the end of the world to hear something this rad.