I missed a friend after work because of phone difficulties!
Also, let’s say I hypothetically fell down in a subway station because there was no wet floor sign or anything, and say I hypothetically landed on my laptop which may or may not shut off at random now. Is there a way to get horrible horrible MTA to fix it?
In case you live under a rock, or have questionable wifi, or you have no friends or family, apparently Hurricane Sandy (adorably nicknamed Frankenstorm) is coming to wreak havoc on New York City this Monday and Tuesday. Sure, it’s been to the Bahamas and is causing weather difficulties up the entire east coast, but NYC is going to make the biggest deal about it, so let’s pretend that right here is the only location that will be affected.
This storm is about to be CUH-RAY-ZEE, but I’m terribly excited to spend this torrential disaster right. Here’s what I consider to be some pretty obvious reasons why Hurricane Sandy is fixin to be the best freak storm ever:
1. It’s named Sandy! Every old movie had an awesome character named Sandy. Grease had a hot blond girl named Sandy. That scruffy dog in Annie was named Sandy. The squirrel astronaut from Spongebob is named Sandy. Those cookies old people eat are called Pecan Sandies (close enough)..Doesn’t take a genius to realize that Sandy is probably gonna be a good time…
2. Another excuse to drink Hurricanes! So you had a bad experience in Orlando with a little too much 151 Rum. It’s about time for redemption, yeah? Get some Pat O’Brien’s Hurricane Mix and mix it with dark rum, ice, and garnish with orange and cherries, and get it right this time!
3. It’s happening during the week! Ever notice how most heinous weather patterns like to show up on the weekend? How great is it that Sandy is supposed to happen during the week? Sure people are all, “but I have to go to work!!” I’m kind of all, “No one really gets enough vacation days, do they??” The MTA just confirmed that they aren’t gonna run the subway at all from tonight at 7 until Wednesday morning “at the earliest” so I plan on sleeping in, and decompressing a little bit.
4. Another excuse to listen to “Rock You Like a Hurricane.” Remember that stuff I literally just said about decompressing and sleeping in? Well forget it because I’m actually going to be prancing around my apartment singing, “HERE I AM!!! ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICAAAAAANE” to my roommates. Sorry in advance!
5. NYC could use a rinse… One of the most notable things about this amazing, whimsical, fancy city is how FILTHY it is. I really do mean filthy. Not just like “my room is dirty, but really just has a lot of stuff in it,” —filthy, but straight-up “requires hand-sanitizer” grimey. Regular rain seemingly doesn’t do the trick, so maybe a power-wash can rid this metropolis of that poop-fingers smell.
Stay safe, and enjoy the storm!
This is a true story. It sounds ridiculously unbelievable, but I swear to you it is as true as true gets.
I decided to go towards Times Square for lunch today. I work like 4 blocks from it, but it was too hot to walk in the crowds, and I honestly didn’t feel like getting a sweaty face before I had to go to an interview this evening. As I descended into the feverous 7 train platform, I realized that (a) oddly no one was around and (b) someone was screaming for help.
I didn’t exactly run towards the screaming. My instincts have always been all about self preservation, so I half-heartedly walked over to make sure the danger wasn’t approaching me. I found a young 20 something girl standing with a crushed up iPhone in her hands, on the train tracks.
ON. THE. TRAIN. TRACKS.
Just a bit of back-story, the 7 train comes and goes roughly every 5-6 minutes. Why anyone would ever get on the 7 train tracks is a mystery to me. The G train typically has 15 minutes between trains, so at least it’s more than enough time to ponder getting on the tracks, work up the nerve to get on the tracks, get on the tracks, and then get the hell off the tracks.
Anyway, she was hysterically telling me that she couldn’t pull herself back up. Of course that was the time I heard the rumbling of the train approaching. She had about 35 seconds to get out of there, and luckily I and all my biceps (joke) and upperbody strength (another joke) was there to save her.
So I laid down on the unforgivably filthy platform and helped pull her back up. She rolled onto the platform with about 15 seconds to spare. In that 15 seconds, I told her that her crushed up cell phone was not worth dying over, and that if I hadn’t shown up, what would she have done? Just gotten killed because she wanted to play angry birds? UGH!
In hindsight, I probably could have been nicer, but between the platform being overheated, my body having to make contact with easily one of the germiest places in the entire world, and exerting myself more than I ever would want to, I couldn’t muster up enough sympathy. She thanked me and ran up the stairs crying, and I decided I was not hungry anymore.
You probably thought I was joking, but much like all of the absurdities of New York City, this is very real. I was riding the subway and I happened across this sign. I decided that since I only know a handful of people and I’m trying to be more open to new experiences, I should allow myself to get adopted by a squirrel.
I went to the city parks foundation website and entered all of the necessary information into the form. I assumed that like any sort of normal adoption, I’d be in the system for any number of months before finding appropriate placement. Wrong I was. I was given a squirrel mom almost immediately:
Huh. A squirrel mom. I must admit I was hoping for a squirrel dad, but I was in no position to complain. That is, until I realized that this so-called Carly Smith fosters 231 other kids! What gives, Carly? It seems like there must be something in it for you after, you know, kid 150!
I got really scared to actually go meet my squirrel mom in Central Park (have you seen Law & Order SVU? There’s a protocol…), so I backed down. But truthfully, it’s great that NYC transportation is so interactive. This is just one of the many ads I get to see every day on the subway. Sure it smells like feet most of the time, and there’s no air conditioning, but things like this really do make the subway enjoyable.
When I first moved to New York (two weeks ago…), I honestly thought I was allergic to the Subway. The moment I was below ground my allergies were alerted and I’d sneeze repeatedly and gross people out.
Now that I’m all acclimated, I still go just short of anaphylactic shock, but I realized that I truly love the Subway!
I like how you have to grip onto grimey poles when there are no seats. Sometimes you can see the fingerprints from the nasty person who touched it before you! With how much hand sanitizer I’ve burned through, surely the economy has been stimulated!
I especially like when the subway jolts unexpectedly and I fall with my hand on or near someone’s crotch! I keep forgetting that my transportation choice is essentially a tin can being kicked down a dirty alley-way.
Have you ever played “everyone’s body is made of molten lava?” No? Well it’s this great game where you have to be extremely careful not to touch one of the 300 people shoved into your section of the train. It’s necessary to make a big deal if someone brushes against you because THEY’RE LAVA! Act like the lava has thumbs and is trying to pick pocket you when they inevitably bump you.
And let’s not forget how Charlie Brown’s teachers are letting you know what stop is next (except Hoyt-Schermerhorn, which just sounds like Charlie Brown’s teacher). I didn’t know every stop was called aejfoaifjaopdkvajd, but you learn something new everyday!
But really, it’s not so bad. I miss my car, but this is cheap and adventurous, and dangerous, and so NYC.