the odd thing about being the only American in my office is learning how other countries really don’t have this gun violence problem.
Stop. Please just stop. Wait…Apologize, then stop.
Let me explain: back when I was afraid of seafoods of all varieties, I was told by a Kroger employee and friend that you made sushi. I was warned that it wasn’t like “restaurant sushi” but it was still quite delicious, as you had some dude on retainer rolling it daily.
While I have always refrained from eating anything that swims, in an attempt to be more adventurous, I gave your fare a shot.
What I experienced was delicious. Sure, I wasn’t at a swanky sushi bar named something exotic like “Dancing Salmon Face” or “Dolphin,” but that didn’t matter because the little box of sushi was satisfying enough—tasty even.
In fact, when you started making your fancy “Marketplace Kroger” locations, I was elated to find that you had an entire kiosk of sushis, and a lady who looked like she knew the “sushi-ropes” rolling seaweed with a smile.
All of that changed today.
I needed sushi desperately. It had been a while, I didn’t have any legitimate plans lined up, and sushi is something you can eat a bit of without having to wait a day for the food baby to subside.
I went to my local, regular, non-Marketplacey Kroger and couldn’t find the sushi that had always been there. I walked passed the animal carcass section repeatedly when finally an associate asked me if I needed help finding anything. He pointed me to the deli, as, “That’s where the sushi we sell now is.” This is what I found:
The nice lady that rolls the sushi at the Marketplace-place didn’t look like her name was Okami.
Something was fishy (pun intended). The sushi (if it can even be called that) in the deli section was smushed. In some big weird box. There were no discernible varieties. I know I am not well-versed in different fishes, but I’m pretty sure there’s no such thing as a “coleslaw roll,” which is exactly what this crap looked like:
And the shrimp, on the “white rice” (which I’ll get to in a minute) was some tortured, flattened, Gulf Coast Oil Spill-lookin patheticness:
And the white rice issue…
How do you screw up white rice?! How?! It’s literally 2 ingredients. If you hadn’t already guessed, I actually purchased and tried this disastrous excuse for food. The rice I ate was unlike any rice I’ve ever had before. Why was it still crunchy? Why was there so much of it? Did you think that if I ate ten lbs of rice before getting to the coleslaw that I wouldn’t notice it was mayonnaisey goo? What the hell Kroger? I thought we had something special.
Kroger, I know that times are rough, and maybe hiring a sushi chef is expensive. I get it. At the same time, my stomach doesn’t get it. My stomach is doing that squinting “shit ain’t sittin well” thing. It’s going to be a long night because you were too cheap, busy, inconsiderate—something—to spring for the good stuff. So please Kroger, realize that I’d rather starve to death than eat that crap again. Don’t even sell it. Take all of it that you have, and all that you have coming to the store in the next few days, and set it on fire. It’s literally worse than no food at all.
what the hell is going on in the world?
It’s like he failed a math test and is begging for extra credit.